Motherhood has been a wild journey for me so far. Parenting is not what I thought it would be. From the urgent need to be induced into labour and having my son hospitalized early on in his life, to running after a healthy, energetic 18 month old and constantly being surprised by all the things he’s learning, this journey has been wild. Yup, that’s the word I have for it right now: wild. And that’s totally opposite from me.
I frequently label myself as a planner. I’m organized and attempt to control everything in my life at times. I try to be safe. I’m a Type-A personality. And I tried applying all of that in parenting my son. I thought I’d have a parenting style that conveyed all of the things I am outside of being a mom. Well, that never happened. I’ve learned a lot through the countless mistakes I’ve made with parenting my boy. Let’s just say the way I’m parenting him is not what I imagined it would look like. He’s taught me so much, and I am forever grateful to him. My son has forced me to grow in areas of my life that not even the best therapist could have convinced me to grow in.
Parenting guide
I think being a first time mom automatically makes you Type-A. You want the best parenting tips that will make your child the best he or she can be. The sworn by parenting guide that makes it easy to be a good mom (whatever being a “good” mom looks like) – that’s what you want. You’re just hoping you do this parenting thing the right way. Trust me, I’ve been there.
I’m over it, now.
I am not a perfect mom and my son is not a perfect child. My family is not perfect. But we’re thriving, not of our own power, that’s for sure. Sis, I don’t want you to go through what I experienced during motherhood. So, I’ll share with you four (of many) mistakes I’ve made as a Type-A personality mom, and how I’ve fixed them.
Even better, here’s my FREE You’re Enough Mom Reflection Worksheet for you to practice self-compassion as part of your parenting style.
1. Trying to do it yourself all the time – ask for help
Stay at home mom? Working mom? Honestly, I think all moms make this mistake at some point in their parenting life. The solution to this mom problem seems obvious and yet it is hard to do. I’ll be the first to tell you I tried to take care of our son all by myself the first few weeks of his life. I shut my husband out by denying him opportunities to assist me with changing diapers, taking a night shift caring for our son, feeding him expressed breast milk, and more. Then I had the nerve to turn around and get upset with my husband when he wouldn’t help out more. Talk about confusing times for my dear hubby!
And I made this same mistake again. Multiple times. Over and over.
I can do it
I don’t know what it is about some of us ladies. Call it the “strong Black woman syndrome” if you’re Black (which is a real syndrome). Maybe it’s feminist ideology working against us. What do you think? All I know is that there is something in a lot of us that pressures us to do things all by ourselves, that convinces us asking for help makes us look weak or incompetent.
Help please
Let’s change that narrative. Asking for help means you know your limits and are living safely within them. Parenting was not meant to be a one-person show. Asking for help means you realize you are not God and can’t do all and be all. There are people in your life for a reason – to assist you. Asking for help can improve your productivity, your health, your learning, your relationships, and so much more. It might even land you some much needed rest. So just ask.
2. Trying to control everything – embrace consistent change
One thing children are not is constant. They change regularly. Hmmm, maybe that’s the only thing constant about them – that they change all the time. One minute they like eggs, the next eggs are the most disgusting thing they’ve ever put in their mouth. They fit in that nice outfit and then two months later you’re packing the outfit away because your child has already outgrown it. Your child likes a particular type of music one week. Next week it’s a whole new genre. The changes never end and trying to keep everything the same will drive you up the wall!
Stay flexible
Routine is good, boundaries are healthy, and discipline is important. I’m not saying get rid of routine, boundaries, or disciple. Children thrive off of them; they help a child feel safe. A child can count on certain things every day and that creates a sense of security for them. But if we become too rigid in these areas, we create an inflexible environment. Maybe for us, we don’t mind this inflexibility. For our growing and developing children, inflexibility could prevent them from adapting to this ever-changing world.
Change gonna come
Sis, we won’t be able to control every aspect of our child’s life forever. I don’t know why we even try. There are many parenting truths out there, but this truth I learned the hard way: change is inevitable. Like I said, routine, boundaries, and discipline are good, healthy, important aspects of life. Just make sure there is room for discovery, and learning, and growth – for change – too.
3. Trying to make your child perfect – let them be their own person
I saw a psychologist multiple times throughout my maternity leave. Our first session consisted of my crying about why my son hadn’t learned the art of sleeping yet, and me asking why he’d sleep well one day but not the other. My psychologist asked me “how long has it taken you to be ‘perfect’?”. (And I put “perfect” in quotations because, as I’ll discuss soon and as she later pointed out to me, no one can be perfect). I replied by stating my age minus a few years. “How old is your son?” she asked. I told her 10-weeks old. “Well, if it’s taken you over two decades to learn how to be ‘perfect’, why do you expect your son will be perfect at 10-weeks old?”
Man, her question hit me good.
No perfect child
Our children cannot be perfect. No matter how hard we try to make them be or want them to be, there is no such thing as a perfect child. And why should they be perfect? We, their parents, are not perfect.
Instead of trying to make our children into a version of who we think they should be, I challenge us (as my psychologist did for me) to let then learn to be who they were created to be and celebrate them as they do so. Children are not meant to be mini versions of ourselves. They are meant to be their own person.
4. Trying to be perfect – let your best be enough
Before having my son, I liked everything to be in its place. The house needed to be sterile-level clean. When I did something, I had to be good at it right off the bat. I thought that if things weren’t perfect, if I wasn’t perfect, then I wasn’t a good mom, a good wife, good enough. Well, I had a baby and soon found that this impossible standard was even more impossible as a mom. Parenting and perfect just don’t go together.
The same goes for our lives. Life and perfectionism don’t mix well.
NOTE: Sometimes we try to be perfect and make everything in our lives perfect because we’re running on autopilot or aspects of our lives aren’t matching up with our core values. Use my FREE Self Check-in Checklist to pause and reflect on your life to solve some of those most frustrating parts.
Enough
We cannot be perfect, not in and of ourselves. No one is perfect. Why we put that pressure on ourselves, I don’t know. I’m not saying stop trying to be excellent, to not do your best at things. There’s nothing wrong with striving to be excellent, but do it out of joy, not pressure. Out of desire and not condemnation. Switch the inner narrative from “my best is never good enough”, to “my best is always good enough”. Give yourself permission to continually learn and grow, to walk in grace. You, sis, are enough.
Want to keep tabs on how you’re doing with respect to changing some of these parenting habits? Use my FREE You’re Enough, Mom Reflection Worksheet as a regular mommy check-up.
I’d love to hear some mistakes you have made as a mom and how you’ve fixed them. Leave a comment below!
And please like and share this post with your friends, especially any first time mom (or last time mom) you know!
Vee Mawoyo
I balance the roles of mother, wife, Family Medicine resident, and associate pastor. Outside of coaching people on how to optimize their wellbeing, I’m regularly looking for ways to support ladies in living more meaningful lives. I enjoy leading devotional studies, facilitating classes and workshops on medical topics, and grabbing a good cup of tea with a girlfriend, all with the intention of helping women live completely as themselves!