Beyond Love Languages – Lessons From the First 5 Years

Here’s one thing I learned early on in my marriage: people have love languages. Most people reading this will know exactly what I’m talking about when I mention “love languages”. It’s a phrase coined and popularized by Dr. Gary Chapman, and it’s a concept that has greatly benefited my marriage.

(If you don’t know what they are, I encourage you to get your hands on Dr. Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages or take the quiz to discover what your and your spouse’s languages are. They will help both of you better communicate how you like to be loved.)

Where I went wrong

I love to talk about relationships, especially romantic ones. Marriage, when done right, can be a beautiful, enriching bond. But it takes work and there are a lot of lessons that can be learned (check out my last post for the lesson on unity vs uniformity in marriage.)

What does this have to do with love languages?

Well, I used to think that if I knew my husband’s love languages and he knew mine and we both spoke them well in our marriage, we were set.

I was wrong.

So much to learn

Knowing your love languages is a great step towards having a happy, healthy marriage. It just shouldn’t be the only step you take in expressing love to each other.

And yet this is where a lot of couples stop. It definitely was the end of the road for me.

But I don’t want that to be your experience.

Keep reading to find out why you need to go beyond the five love languages in your marriage and how to do it so you can enjoy your relationship even more.

Plus, make sure you get my FREE Beyond Lovely Marriage Workbook to learn how to best speak each others’s love languages, practice the basic aspects of love, and cultivate ways to truly cherish one another in your relationship. Whether you’re single, engaged, or married, you’ll benefit from this free resource!

#1 – Focusing too much

If you’ve read Dr. Chapman’s books, you might miss his recommendation to speak all the love languages in your marriage.

I sure did.

Once I discovered what my husband’s love languages were (he has two main ones), they became the only ways I expressed love to him.

When it seemed like our marriage wasn’t getting any better, I asked him what was up.

His simple answer? “I still like to receive the other three once in a while.”

Let’s eat

Think of it this way: let’s say you have a favourite meal of steak with a side of mash potatoes, gravy, a slice of cake, and a nice glass of wine. The steak is the main part of the meal. This is like your main love language. All the other aspects of the meal (the potatoes, gravy, cake, wine) are the other love languages.

Now imagine only having steak every time you had this meal, and nothing else.

Maybe at first you wouldn’t mind because you like steak that much. Still, I bet after a while you’d probably want some potatoes with good ol’ gravy, a nice sip of wine, and the sweetness of the cake. You might even start to dislike the person serving you the steak because they seem to be keeping the rest of the meal from you.

The complete meal

The moral of the story is this: feed your spouse the entire meal.

Yes, take time to master that one particular aspect of the meal of your spouse enjoys receiving the most (ie. their number one love language). However, don’t forget to serve the rest of that meal (ie. speak the other four love languages as well, just in smaller portions). All of it together, all of the love languages, help your spouse feel loved.

#2 – Forgetting the basics

Let’s keep going with our meal analogy of love, shall we? If the five love languages are the different components of your meal of affection to your partner, then some of the basic tenants of love itself – patience, kindness, forgiveness, honour – are the utensils and dishes used to serve up that meal.

Bring out the silverware

Could you imagine eating a steak without a fork and knife? What about your mashed potatoes and gravy on your table instead of on a nice plate? Drinking wine without a cup or eating cake with your hands? It can be done. I mean, my son ate off his highchair tray with his hands when he was younger. But eating this way is not ideal.

As obvious as it seems to serve up affection the way your spouse best receives it with kindness, patience, forgiveness, and honour, let’s be honest with ourselves. Sometimes we don’t do this.

If you’re human like me, you’ve likely expressed words of affirmation while still holding that grudge against your spouse in your heart. Maybe you’ve washed the dishes for your partner but with a mean-spirited attitude. How many of you have impatiently gotten through sex or irritably kissed your spouse goodbye before heading to work? And what about looking at your phone while talking to them, interrupting them often, or not being 100% present while spending time together?

Have these things happened to you? I bet you don’t feel all that loved when it does.

You see, the basic tenants of love are needed in order for your spouse to fully receive the love you’re serving them.

Matters of the heart

Some people think they can fake it until they make it when it comes to being kind, forgiving, patient, and honourable towards their spouse. Sure, you could try that, but it won’t get you very far.

Because the inability to consistently express the basic tenants of love is a heart issue. Going through the motions without addressing your heart ultimately won’t work.

Trust me, I’ve been there and done that.

These foundational aspects of love are building blocks for your marriage and needed to speak love languages well. If you are you struggling to show your spouse these then I strongly encourage you to figure out why. Talk to your partner. Speak with a counselor. Pray and meditate on things that will cultivate the basic tenants of love in you for your spouse. Check out my FREE Beyond Lovely Marriage Workbook to find out more about these four aspects of love and how to express them in your relationship.

Because no matter how good a meal, it’s not that great eating it without the proper dishes and utensils. No matter how well you speak your partner’s love languages, it won’t feel as good without kindness, forgiveness, patience, and honour.

#3 – Resisting change

I have a chocolate chip oatmeal raisin cookie recipe that I’ve been “perfecting” since I was fourteen years old. I started with the recipe I got from junior high school and have slowly been adding and subtracting from it ever since.

The current recipe fits in perfectly with the stage of life I’m at right now. Previously I used to add all the sugar and lots of chocolate chips. Now I only add one third the sugar asked for, half the chocolate chips, and I add in ground flaxseed and chickpeas. I’ve even adjusted the temperate I bake them at so that they come out just right.

You might be wondering why I changed what was already a good thing.

Because my needs have changed.

I no longer want super sweet cookies. I want something a little more filling with fibre and protein. (Plus I’m trying to avoid diabetes while still enjoying my desserts!)

Changing tastes

Just like our tastes for foods can change (ask a pregnant lady, she’ll tell you it’s true), your love tastes can change too.

Of the five love languages, mine is quality time. In the last few years, however, physical touch has become an important part of how I receive love from my husband. And since having my son, the way we spend quality time with each other has drastically changed. It’s no longer two hours at a time but multiple moments of connection for 20 minutes throughout most days. The way my husband receives affection has changed too.

At first I resisted these changes. I have always been slow to change and I like consistency in life. So I was super confused when my husband started changing the way he received affection from me. Oh, the growing pains in trying to figure out how to love him again.

But this shouldn’t come as a shock.

Love evolution

As people grow in their personal lives, their marriage should grow with them. That might mean the way they receive their love language changes as well. Your spouse may ask you to spend quality time with them in a different way. They may prefer you kiss them more often than hug them compared to before. Verbalizing your words of affirmation might replace previously texting them. And they might need you do the dishes and buy groceries rather than cook dinner.

People change and with that follows change in their preferences.

So what do you do?

Adapt to the changes that can occur in your marriage, particularly with how love languages are spoken. Both of you should regularly express your needs and wants clearly and then be willing to fulfill each other’s love requests. At first it may feel like you’re not making progress. But don’t worry, you’ll become fluent in your love languages again!

#4 – Dutiful love

Part of what I enjoy most when my husband makes me a good meal is the attitude with which he serves the meal. He doesn’t serve it angrily, begrudgingly, as though it’s just one more “to-do” that he needs to check off his list.

The same can be said about how he loves me. It’s with adoration and appreciation. I receive his expression of affection the best when he cherishes me – pursues, treasures, and nurtures me.

To-do lists

If the basic tenants of love are like silverware, then cherishing your spouse while you speak their love languages is like properly seasoning and cooking the meal. The right spices and cooking technique take a meal from tasting bland to Michelin chef caliber.

I used to see speaking my husband’s love language, sex (that’s coming up in my next post about marriage!), and generally being a “good wife” as tasks on my to-do list. But I found very little joy in checking those things off.

Intentional cherishing

It wasn’t until I decided (ie. made up my mind) I would purposely pursue him, treasure him as the true gift that he is to me, and nurturing him and our relationship, that things really started to turn around in our marriage.

Ya’ll, I want to challenge you to reflect on whether you are intentionally cherishing your spouse. If your honest answer is “no” or “not as much as I could be”, then make the decision today to cherish them. And do so in your thoughts, feelings, speech, and actions towards them.  

Whether you’re single, engaged, or married, you can use my FREE Beyond Lovely Marriage Workbook to discover what it means to truly cherish your spouse as well as speak each other’s love languages and practice the basic tenants of love.

Don’t forget to share this post with a friend. Let me know in the comments below what your love language is!

And check out my post on unity vs. uniformity for more marriage lessons and the FREE Marriage Values, Mission, and Vision Workbook to help stay united in your relationship.