Apologize: The How-To of “I’m Sorry”

I’ll be the first to admit that apologizing is not my strong suit. I could blame it on not seeing it done well while growing up. I could blame it on feeling forced to apologize for things that seem like an apology is not warranted (example: disagreeing with a person’s viewpoint, differing values and convictions). There are lots of reasons why I don’t like apologizing. But I do it anyway because I know it’s important.

Why it’s hard to apologize

Giving an apology can feel so unnatural, especially if we feel like we didn’t do anything wrong. It can be a real blow to our ego. At least, it used to feel that way for me. However, I’ve learned apologizing is essential for maintaining healthy relationships, especially when forgiveness and reconciliation are being sought after. To apologize doesn’t necessarily mean you think the person is right or wrong. It doesn’t mean that you’re weak. Apologizing doesn’t mean that you agree with someone. What it does mean is that you acknowledge a fault in yourself, that you are not perfect. Being good at apologizing, especially when I feel I’m right or did nothing wrong, is something I’m constantly working on.

If you’re looking for ways to improve your apologizing game, use my FREE Apology Evaluation Worksheet to get better at saying “I’m sorry”.

Apologizing is a skill, an important one for having a good conflict (see my post about the skills you need to have a good conflict). This skill includes the following:

Communicating without talking

Communication skills, specifically body language, have to be on point for a good apology. Have you ever had someone apologize to you where the words they were saying were exactly what you wanted to hear but their body language was communicating something completely different? Maybe the person wasn’t making any eye contact. They mumbled their words. Was the person doing something else while apologizing? Such actions, and others like it, communicate insincerity. A good apology is sincere.

So, before you open your mouth to apologize, stop the other activities you’re doing. Face the person you’re apologizing to. Keep an open posture (ex. arms uncrossed). Maintain eye contact. Speak clearly. Make sure your body language conveys that you mean what you say.

Just listening

Sis, do you know what you’re apologizing for? Have you heard what the other person is saying? Sometimes we’re gearing up for our rebuttal instead of trying to understand what we did wrong. The skill of listening cannot be underestimated when it comes to apologizing. It’s hard to apologize for something when you don’t know what you’re apologizing for. A good apology incorporates what the other person has said to you. This shows that person you heard them, you understand them. Forget your defense; you are not in a court of law. Open your ears and listen.

Accepting where you’re wrong

What is an apology? Remember earlier when I spoke about the term apology and that it means you acknowledge a fault in yourself? Well, part of that is accepting where you’re wrong. An apology should consist of an expression of remorse – “I am sorry” – that you actually mean. Again, to apologize doesn’t mean you have to agree with the other person. We live in a culture right now where people get offended by every little thing. Your values might differ from another person’s. You may see something from a completely different perspective. Maybe you’re right in the action you took. But maybe the way you went about it could have been less hurtful. Sis, take responsibility for the fact that someone was hurt by what your actions and say you’re sorry.

Being specific

Come right out and address the hurt as much as you can, without laying blame or trying to garner sympathy for yourself. Vagueness in your apology can imply you are not sincere. So be as specific as you can – it’s all part of how to apologize.

How do you be specific? Well, if you were listening to the person, I suggest using what you heard in your apology. Sometimes when I apologize to my husband, I use the exact words my husband uses when he’s explaining how I hurt him, to show I heard him. This part of apologizing was difficult for me, so I would write an apology letter and be as detailed as I could. I learned, as I hope you do, that specificity is key for being sincere. Not only does it further help you accept where you’re wrong but it shows the other person you’re aware of how you hurt them.

Leaving out the ifs and buts

Do you like burnt cookies? I don’t. I prefer my cookies perfectly baked, without the added char at the bottom. How do cookies end up burned? Usually by adding a little extra sugar or leaving then in the oven a little too long. See, adding extra sugar or keeping cookies in the oven just a little longer may seem like a good idea but it doesn’t end well. The cookie gets burned.

Same concept with adding a “but” or “if” – a clause – when you apologize. It may seem like a good idea but it makes the apology a little less enjoyable. You appear as though you haven’t accepted that you hurt the person. What’s worse, the person you’re apologizing to might start to think they can’t bring up their hurts with you. This is a slippery slope for any relationship you want to maintain. Try your best not to add a rebuttal or reason to your apology. Writing an apology letter and reading it verbatim might help with this aspect of apologizing. Ultimately, simply say you’re sorry while being specific and leave it at that.

Making some changes

While growing up, my mom used to say “if you were really sorry you would stop doing…” (fill in the dots). She didn’t like when day after day we would apologize for the same thing. Personally, I don’t like it when people apologize to me again and again for the same thing I’ve already let them know bugs me. It makes me feel like they really aren’t sorry, like they don’t care about how I feel. Anyone else relate?

Sis, you may be doing all the other things I’ve mentioned in this post when you apologize – body language on point, really listening, expressing remorse and being specific, and leaving out excuses and clauses. But if you don’t do anything to try and avoid hurting the person in the same way, you might as well stop apologizing.

So what can you do? It depends on what the offense is. If it’s the way you said something, try using a gentler tone or using different words. Try speaking the truth in love instead of anger or belittling the person. If it’s what you said, next time talk about the action and not the person’s heart. If it’s something you do, like being late for things or not cleaning up after yourself or rolling your eyes while someone is talking, etc. then make a goal to not do those things. These are just a few examples of changes you can make, depending on what the apology is for.

Start now

Apologizing isn’t easy but a good one is worth it, sis. Start improving on your apoligizing skills with this FREE Apology Evaluation Worksheet that will help you reflect on  and improve how you apologize.

What else would you include in an apology, sis? What parts of apologizing are you working on? Leave a comment below.

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