United vs Uniform: Lessons From the First 5 Years

Marriage is a fun, exciting, beautiful relationship… that requires a lot of work. And all along the way, lessons can be learned, if we pay attention.

Awww, what a sweet quote. Alright let’s get real.

Ever thought you knew what you were getting yourself into and then once you were in it you kept thinking “no one told me it was going to be like this”?

Hahaha. That’s me and marriage.

In my first five years of marriage, I’ve definitely learned a lot – too much to share in this one blog post. But I wanted to share a little bit about my lifelong journey with my husband so far.

Sharing is caring

If you’re married, this post is for you. If you’re single, this post is for you.

Why am I sharing?

Because marriage is full of life lessons. Not all of them you need to learn through personal experience. If I can help just one person have a happier, healthier marriage by learning from my relationship blunders, that will make my day.

Below is my first marriage lesson, part of my new series “Lessons from the First 5 Years”. Stay tuned for more lessons throughout the coming months!

Household rules

I have a pretty good system for how I like to keep my house clean (although right now it’s not the cleanest). I’ve gotten into the habit of cleaning the counters and other surfaces daily, washing the bathrooms weekly, and doing a general tidy-up monthly.

When I got married in 2015, I thought my husband would be the same way – my way. But five years later and he still doesn’t clean to my standards. This used to annoy me so much!

The thought process

Why did differences in cleaning bug me?

I used to think that to have a successful marriage, spouses had to be the same. I mean, I grew up hearing “the two have become one” at wedding ceremonies, so my little girl mind thought “they’re now one person”. Somehow that morphed into thinking marriage requires the couple to have the same interests, same likes and dislikes, same way of thinking, and so on.

You can imagine, then, how any differences between my husband and I really got me riled up. These differences made married life terrible for me because I thought we had to be the same in every way to have a happy marriage. Boy, was I wrong.

Lesson learned

Somewhere in the last five years I’ve learned this simple truth: marriage requires the husband and wife be united, not uniform.

Let’s get into what that actually means.

Uniformity

Some people want their partner to think the way they do, do things the way they do, act the way they do. They’re looking to be uniform, thinking that’s what’s going to make the two of them agree and avoid arguments, that’s what’s going to make their marriage a happy one.

But it does quite the opposite.

Uniformity is associated with a desire to have as few differences as possible, usually to make a person more like another person. This term is related to conformity, which is to comply with one’s standards. A marriage that runs by uniformity breeds pride and control. The subconscious running dialogue is “my way is better than yours” (pride) with the undercurrent of that spouse influencing the other in the marriage usually to get what they want (control).

Sometimes the root of it all is fear – fear that any differences will lead to conflict, which will end in divorce. This was me all day and every day. (Read my post of how to have healthy conflict if this is you.)

Most people don’t go into marriage with the intention to control their spouse, to make their partner feel like their partner’s way is inferior, to base their marriage on fear. Sadly, this is what can happen when the goal is to have a uniform marriage. These negative consequences occurred in mine.

Unity

You know the couple that makes decisions together, does things that bring out the strengths in each other, compromises in a positive way? They’re living married life united.

A much healthier way to approach things in marriage is with a mindset of unity.

Unity is associated with a desire to come together for an agreed upon purpose, pursuit, action, behaviour, thought, feeling, etc. connected to the couple’s values. This term doesn’t extinguish differences but instead figures out how to blend differences in such a way that play to each person’s strengths. A marriage that runs by unity breeds teamwork. The running dialogue is “let’s do what works best for the both of us” with the undercurrent of each spouse looking for opportunities to help the other shine.

Am I saying it’s wrong to have preferences? Nope. I’m simply saying if we’re regularly trying to assert our preferences as the standard in our marriage, things can go south real quick. For me, I unintentionally communicated to my husband that his preferences, his desires, his way of thinking didn’t matter. I made him feel inferior and consequentially we stopped connecting in all areas of our marriage. Trust me, unity is much better than uniformity.

By going through married life with the stance that you should be united, the struggle to do things “my way” disappears and is replaced with a desire to do things according to the agreed upon values, mission, and vision for your marriage.

The big fix

If this is a lesson you need to learn, don’t be alarmed or feel guilty. Your marriage will be better for learning it! I finally got it after my son was born (see my post on some mom mistakes I made) and have been working on what I’ve learned ever since. Below are some things you can do to put unity into practice in your marriage.

Learn the viewpoints

What are your reasons for wanting to be uniform? I mentioned earlier that for many it has a lot to do with fear, pride, and a need for control. I encourage you to address the thoughts behind these feelings if you think this applies to you.

Is there something your spouse does that’s impacting how you think about them, thus making you want to control them? Did something happen to you as a child that makes you feel the way you do things is best? What are you scared of that’s driving your desire to change the characteristics of your partner? Dig deep into the source behind your thoughts and feelings and address your viewpoints in a healthy and constructive manner, individually and together.

At the same time, practice asking your spouse to explain where they’re coming from. What’s their reason for not wanting to do something the way you suggest? Is their a past experience of theirs that influences how they approach things? Start a conversation to better understand each others’ viewpoints.

Determine your marriage values

I encourage every couple to have agreed upon standards for their marriage. As husband and wife, sit down together to determine the values that will influence all of your decisions. When you have set values for your marriage, a few things happen:

Your marriage follows an agreed direction, which makes it easier to work together

There is a standard to hold each other accountable, regardless of personal differences

Certain differences don’t matter and you’re willing to compromise more because those differences don’t impact the direction of the marriage

If you’d like to get started on determining the standards, purpose, and goals for your relationship, my FREE Marriage Values, Mission & Vision Workbook can help you!

Are you single? Determining your core values now is so important. Being in a relationship with someone whose core values align (not necessarily match) with yours will make the process of establishing values for your marriage a lot easier. My FREE ebook Completely You: The Workbook is great for helping you discover your personal core values and establish healthy boundaries before you tie the knot.

Compliment each other

The trouble with uniformity is that it seeks to get rid of the differences between spouses. Unity seeks to harmonize those differences.

So try this: appreciate the differences between the two of you.

In our marriage, I am organized and detail oriented while my husband adapts easily to change. He develops great processes for how to get stuff done and I come up with the grand ideas. Now, I can focus on how we are opposite and on his weaknesses. Or I can focus on his strengths that make me even better at what I’m good at and vice versa. I choose to figure out ways to come alongside him in his journey of growing and he does the same for me. We focus on building upon each others’ strengths, rather than putting a spotlight on each others’ weaknesses.

Practically speaking, this means I take more of a lead in scheduling our cleaning while he leads in budgeting. He plans some yearly things our family needs to get done while I look after the day-to-day family tasks. It’s what we’re good at. This doesn’t mean we work in silos in our relationship. We both have a say in all areas of our marriage. However, knowing and celebrating each others’ gifts and talents in those areas helps us work better as a team because we’re utilizing our strengths on a daily basis.

Sometimes you learn

I have a few more marriage lessons to share. They include loving each other the right way, mistakes I made with sex, and the contentious topic of submission. Stay tuned these next few months for more!

What lessons have you learned in your marriage so far? What questions do you have about marriage before saying “I do”? Sound off in the comments below.

Ready to take a step toward a unified marriage? Use my FREE Marriage Values, Mission, & Vision Workbook to determine the standards, direction, and goals for your marriage.

And remember to share this post with your friends if you found it helpful.