How to Say No – 2 Things You NEED to Consider First

Ever been in a situation where you were asked a question to do something, say something, be something – and you just couldn’t say no? Or ever felt guilty for looking after your needs first before other people’s needs?

Sis, let me be the first to raise my hand!

I have been in countless situations where my mind is telling me to say no but my mouth answers with a “yes”. No matter how hard I tried to let someone down gently, politely, quickly, intentionally, it felt like I just couldn’t say no and ended up saying yes.

And my health – emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual – suffered as a result.

Consequences of not saying “no”

Repeatedly saying yes to people when it should be a “no” can negatively impact your health. I personally experienced attacks on my self-worth and identity, disturbances in my sleep, loss of connection to my faith, and a lot of guilt over my yeses. I’m not trying to say you should never say yes – there is a time and place to agree, commit, and say yes to people. Check out my FREE How to Say Yes Cheat Sheet where you’ll learn how to say yes in a healthier way.

But there is also a time to let your “no” be a firm no.

If you don’t say no or say it ineffectively, you might experience:

Emotionally & Mentally

• Guilt – over your decision
• Hopelessness – over the inability to control aspects of your life
• Worthlessness – regarding yourself or aspects of your life
• Self-doubt – over your ability to make decisions
• Frustration – either with yourself or in your relationships for not saying what you want to say
• Fear – about what people will ask of you, whether you’re making the best choice, how your decisions will impact your relationships
• Sadness – connected to not being able to say no

Physically & Spiritually

• Sleep disturbances
• Inability to determine your needs
• Heart palpitations
• Unfulfilled passions, purposes, pursuits
• Difficulty determining and maintaining your values
• Headaches
• Nausea and upset stomach
• Burnout
• Lack of identity

These two categories of negative effects feed into each other. Our emotional and mental health impacts our spiritual and physical health, and vice versa. You can’t ignore either. Sleep disturbances might make you feel more frustrated or make it more difficult to do well at work, and later on you might find it harder to figure out your core values, hence increased self-doubt, and so forth. But you can break the cycle and say no in a healthy and empowering way by reflecting on these two questions:

1. What are you willing to do?
2. What are you able to do?

Why does it matter what you’re willing and able to do before saying no to someone? Well it has a lot to do with what “will” and “ability” represent. Both are crucial to think about before giving your answer to a request.

Number #1 – Will

Your “will” represents your heart, which is tied to your values and boundaries. How so? First let’s talk about what values and boundaries are and their relation to your heart, shall we?

Your heart

Your heart is your “inner person”, your truest self. It consists of your thoughts, passions, feelings, actions, choices, purpose, behaviours, motivations, endeavours, etc.

In essence, your heart sets the tone of who you really are and directs your life. But it is shaped by your values.

Your values

Your values are the rules and/or foundation which you use to base your behaviour and deems things important in your life.

Broken down, values are what you base your life on, what you treasure most. Your core values are what your inner person is centered around.

Your boundaries

Your boundaries function to outline the extent of your inner person and separate aspects of your heart from things you don’t want influencing your heart.

Ultimately, boundaries help you live according to your values, which influence your identity.

All about your will

So, coming back to this word “will”. Your will conveys what you are passionate about and what you desire. It is expressed through your actions and communicated via your pursuits. When I ask, “what are you willing to do?”, I’m really trying to get you to consider this: Does the request presented to you help you express your true self, align with your values, and respect your boundaries?

I know, what a loaded question! But it’s essential to really think through these things before saying yes or no to someone. Knowing your core values and boundaries will allow you to live more fully and freely as your true self and help you more assertively say no. Using my FREE ebook Completely You The Workbook can help you discover your core values and establish health boundaries.

Number #2 – Ability

This one seems straight forward. Your “ability” represents your time, strength and energy, capabilities, and emotional and mental availability. Consider this after you have determined you are willing to fulfil a request. (Because if this request doesn’t agree with who you are, it shouldn’t matter if you’re able to do what’s being asked of you – you shouldn’t do it. Period.)

Time

Think about whether you have the time to help someone. Does this request work with your current schedule? Will what you’re being asked to do take too long and not leave you enough time for other important things?

Strength and energy

Determine if you have the strength and energy to help someone. Some asks require an amount of energy you may not have. And energy doesn’t just mean physical strength. Do you have the mental, emotional, and spiritual power required for the task?

Capability

Regard whether you’re capable of helping. And by capable I mean, do you have the right skills, traits, knowledge, and understanding to assist this person for this particular request?

Availability

Consider if you’re emotionally and mentally available. Are your feelings and mind preoccupied with something else that might hinder your ability to help effectively and efficiently?

If you are both willing and able, then say yes. A resounding yes! Check out my FREE How to Say Yes Cheat Sheet here for tips on saying yes that supports your ability.

But sis, if either your will or ability is not optimized, just say no. I have a FREE 7 Ways to Make Your “No” Easier to Accept guide that can make declining a request sound nicer. 

Think before answering

Unless a request is time sensitive (like you need to give an answer that instant), you can take a little time to think it over before giving your response. It’s important you consider how what is being asked of you might impact your inner person, if it aligns with your values, and whether it fits in your boundaries. Also think about if you have the time, energy, capabilities, and availability to help. Hopefully, by considering if you’re willing to fulfil an ask and able to fulfil it, you’ll be more prepared to confidently refuse a request.

Alrighty sis, it’s time to start saying no, informed by your will and your ability. Stay tuned for my next post where I’ll share 3 Steps to Saying No (And What Not To Do). I’m super pumped about this post because I go over simple things you can do to efficiently and effectively communicate your “no” to others. For now, check out my 7 Ways to Make Your “No” Easier to Accept guide to learn what can make the word “no” sound less harsh.

I would love to hear from you! What gets in the way of you saying no? Is it your will, your ability, or how you say no? Let me know in the comments below!

And don’t forget to share this post with a friend so they can learn how to confidently say no too.