Good Conflict: 6 Skills You Need to Have

There is a lot of good advice out there for conflict resolution, relationships, how to avoid a fight in your marriage, and more. Once you’ve had a conflict with anyone, it’s important to know how to resolve it. Well, unless you like being in conflict with people, then do you sis. But what if you don’t like to fight? What if you want more calm in your marriage or any other relationship? Are you tired of fighting with your partner? Over the emotional drain or turmoil you feel after a conversation with your colleague? Do you hope for a healthier way to disagree with a loved one?

Yes! Yes! Yes! And yes to so many more scenarios.

There is nothing wrong with resolving conflict after conflict after conflict, but maybe, just maybe, there is a way to have a conflict that makes conflict resolution easier. Perhaps there is a way to have marital disagreements that don’t result in a marital war. “Is that possible?” you might be wondering. Why yes, it is possible to be in a relationship (romantic, collegial, familial, etc.) and have conflict that doesn’t result in the breakdown of the relationship. Find out how with my FREE Conflict Pocket Guide, with all 6 skills needed to resolve disagreements. 

Why do we fight?

Personal conflicts happen because no two people are the same. If people thought exactly alike, viewed everything identically, and pretty much lived the exact same life experience, there would probably be fewer conflicts. But alas, that isn’t reality. We do have differing opinions and perspectives and life experiences that make relationships awesome, but also can cause conflicts. And that’s okay. Just because you disagree with someone, doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed. Even if you see something in a different way from another person, that doesn’t mean a fight has to break out.

But a conflict can be done in a positive way.

Sis, there are things you can do to make the conflict process more fruitful, respectful, and peaceful. There are adjustments that can be made while having a disagreement that help make conflict resolution possible and easier. Through years of having different conflicts with people, I’ve noticed there are things I do or they do that make it possible for us to like each other at the end of the day (or things we don’t do that ruin the relationship). Having a good conflict can be done and below are some tips for just that!

1. Wait a beat

I used to hold my husband prisoner to my need to hash it out before going to bed. There was no way I was letting the sun go down still being angry at him. Maybe you’re like how I was, someone who thought you have to solve issues right away, that you can’t let the day pass by still angry with someone. We’re taught to “kiss and make up” right away, to get over our feelings and move on. We learn to resolve an issue as soon as possible, even if we’re not ready.

What if you’re too upset? If your emotions are running so high you can’t even think straight?

Still your heart

I used to just plow through and try to fix the problem, even if I was furious, thoughts unorganized and all. And boy oh boy, did I just make things worse! One day I decided to wait a few hours before talking to my husband. I spent time reflecting on what actually upset me and let my emotions cool down. When I spoke to him later, it was one of the best discussions we’d had in a while; we made some headway on a big issue.

Breathe

Sis, here’s a suggestion: take some time to gather your thoughts. Take a deep breath and figure out why you feel the way you do. If you have to, write your thoughts down. Just take a minute. It will help you better communicate what you think the issue is. Conflicts are best when the people involved are calm and thinking rationally. So if you have to sleep on it or take wait a second, please do.

2. Set up the time and place

Did you like pop quizzes growing up? No? Me neither! I don’t know why we think other people like pop-quiz conflicts. Unpacking a disagreement when the other person isn’t ready or in the right frame of mind, or while the kids are running around screaming, or at the end of the day when you’re tired, or at your friend’s house party, or (insert any non-ideal scenario here), isn’t the best time or place to have a conflict.

When and where

A Google search defines conflict as “a serious disagreement or argument”. I don’t know about you, but if I’m about to do anything serious, I like to plan for it. I like to carve out a time and place for such an important task. Why not do the same for that important discussion you want to have with your spouse? Or that serious issue you want to bring up with your boss? Ask the person when a good time would be to talk that works for the both of you. As for where a good place would be to talk, usually an environment where both of you can focus will work.

3. Agree on the terms

Here’s a phrase that drums up dread: we need to talk. Talk about what? It’s so vague and leaves the other person guessing what they did or didn’t do. When you have a meeting for work, you usually have an agenda. I recommend doing the same for a conflict.

Focus

Sis, be specific. What would you like to talk about? Let the person know what you’d like to discuss so they come to the conversation prepared to talk about that specific issue. And keep the discussion focused on that issue. Try not to bring up everything under the sun that bugs you. This will help make the conflict feel more like a discussion rather than an interrogation.

4. Join the team

Most of the time when I see a picture or watch a movie of a couple arguing, they’re usually facing each other. It looks like they’re on opposing teams, fighting against each other. Something my husband and I do when we’re having a conflict is we try our best to sit beside each other, as though we’re tackling the issue and not each other. For us, it encourages physical closeness, which mentally signals that we’re on the same team.

Togetherness

A goal of a good conflict is to resolve an issue together. The point is not to create sides and to “win”. You’re on the same team, the team that wants to fix a particular problem. Decide in your heart that this is your goal before you start to try to solve the issue. You are working with the person – not against them – to come to some sort of resolution.

5. Change the thinking

A lot of the time when people think of “conflict” they think of fighting, yelling, or giving someone the silent treatment. Those things can be part of a conflict – they were for quite some time in my marriage. I’ll admit, I used to dread the word and think there was something wrong with my relationship when my husband and I had a conflict. Weren’t we supposed to agree on most things? We did premarital counseling. Before we got married, we dated for almost six years, so I thought we knew enough about each other to avoid some of the issues we were arguing about. It got to a point where I tried very hard to avoid any conflict.

And I know I’m not alone.

Growing

In society, conflict has a negative connotation. But it doesn’t have to. For the last few years, my husband and I have called our conflicts “growth moments”. We see them as an opportunity to grow in our understanding of each other. To have a good conflict, you have to see the conflict in a different way. Simply see it as a disagreement, not a fight, not something that will destroy your relationship with the other person. You can try what I do and see conflicts as opportunities to grow. Use a conflict to learn, to better understand the other person.

6. Reset

I don’t play a lot of video games. When I did play, I liked to play race car games. If I knew I wasn’t going to win that “round” of the race, either because I started off wrong, or I made a mistake in the game that caused my car to start to break down, I would simply press the restart or reset button.

When it comes to communicating during a conflict, you might not always start off right. You might say something hurtful, accidentally roll your eyes, say something that doesn’t make sense, etc. and the discussion starts to take a turn for the worse. It happens.

Start over

If it seems like communication is breaking down between you and the other person, start again. Summarize what you’ve heard. Take a break and come back to the issue if it seems like you’re hitting a wall or going around in circles. There is no rule that once you start talking about an issue you have to finish talking about it in one go. You can take breaks and start over.

Bonus: Apologize

Most conflicts arise because someone has been hurt in some way. So, if you caused the hurt, apologize for what you did wrong. And apologize early. It will go a long way in conflict resolution. Learn how to apologize by reading this post.

Think you’ll forget what goes into a  good conflict? Make sure you get your hands on my FREE Conflict Pocket Guide for future reference!

What are some things you do to have a good conflict, sis? Share with me in the comment section below. And please like and share this post with your friends!