Are You Too Nice? (And what you can do about it)

Have you ever stopped to think about whether you’re too nice? And if you do think you’re too nice, is that a bad thing?

Maybe you’re asking yourself the wrong questions. You might even need to start asking yourself different questions like:

• Why am I so nice to people (and can I change anything about it)?
• What’s the difference between being nice and being kind (and why does it matter)?
• How can I be a kinder person?

Keep reading and check out my FREE faith-based devotional study Cultivate (Kindness & Goodness) to answer these questions and go from being a nice person to being a kinder one.

Defining niceness

To figure out why you’re “too nice”, you need to understand the definition of the word. I mean, we’ve all heard the word “nice” used at least once in our lives. Either you’ve been told to be nicer to your sibling or you did the nice thing of complimenting someone.

But what does the word actually mean?

Four attributes

The term is an adjective used to describe someone as pleasant, where other people like the person or certain aspects of that person’s behaviour, personality, looks, etc.³.

When someone is labeled “nice”, it also means they are agreeable. They tend to agree with other people’s desires, opinions, actions, decisions, beliefs, etc. and don’t want to cause any problems^3,5. A nice person is an accommodating person³.

Someone who’s nice can be seen as appropriate, which means they (their thoughts, behaviours, speech, and so on) fit in and are suitable for the situation and society at large³.

Finally, I can’t leave out that nice people are viewed as polite, coming across as courteous and considerate of others (whether they’re actually being polite or not)⁴.

Why you’re so nice

Now that you know what it means to be a nice person versus a kind one, stop and reflect on this question: why are you so nice?

You might have tonnes of explanations for being nice, but people who have issues with being too nice have three reasons:

#1 – Issues with boundaries

People who label themselves as “too nice” have trouble with their personal boundaries. They might not know what their boundaries are and, if they do know, they have trouble maintaining them.

Basically, nice people don’t know when to say yes and no or how to.

You might read in other posts that you shouldn’t be known as the person who always wants to help. I’ll improve that line of thinking. There’s nothing wrong with being known as someone who is always giving of themselves and wants to help others. But there is something wrong when your helping is at the expense of your beliefs and values.

Why is compromising on your values and beliefs for the sake of being nice a slippery slope?

You eventually conform your worldview, values, thoughts, speech, actions, passions, desires, and life to that of others. By doing this, you ultimately lose sight of who you truly are.

If you’re having trouble with boundaries, learn about the importance of having core values and develop healthy boundaries with my e-book Completely You. You can also read these posts to learn how your will and ability factor into saying no and how to actually say no more effectively.

#2 – Issues with conflict

Some people are nice (agreeable and not wanting to cause trouble) because they don’t know how to have a good conflict.

I’ve had trouble with this in the past. I was nice to people because I didn’t want to fight with them. Conflicts never ended well because I didn’t know how to disagree with someone in a loving way. So I defaulted to saying things or doing things that helped me appear more polite and helped me fit in. Rather than have a disagreement, I made other people feel better about themselves at the expense of my core values and worldview.

You might be wondering what’s wrong with doing these things. Maybe being nice has helped you avoid arguments.

Sure, you’ve avoided a disagreement, but you probably have some unresolved issues with that person as a result. And that can lead to pent up anger and bitterness. This ain’t good for any relationship or your health.

Tired of the fear of a conflict driving you to be a nice person? This post on how to have a good conflict can help.

#3 – Issues with unmet needs

Have you ever considered what is fulfilling your emotional, mental, and spiritual needs? Unmet needs could be why you’re being so nice.

Sometimes people are nice because they desire to feel wanted, accepted, valued, secure, worthy of people’s time, and purposeful. Part of the issue is that they don’t believe they already are these things and so they behave and speak in such a way to get these things. Doing so will only take them so far and will never satisfy forever.

If this is you, doing and saying things to make yourself feel worthy and accepted rather than living your life knowing you are wanted and valuable, then you need to figure out why that is.

Is it because you don’t know what to believe about yourself or what your purpose is? Then it’s time to figure out what you value and believe in and develop a working definition of your identity.

Maybe it’s because you’re having a tough time with comparison. Learning how to get out of the comparison game can help.

Whatever the reason, believe this: you don’t have to be nice to be wanted, accepted, have a purpose, or be loved. You already are these things.

Foundational things

At this point you might be thinking that being a nice person doesn’t sound so bad and that you can reign it in on being too nice.

Well, wait a sec.

As good as it is to be nice, it’s better to be kind.

If you want to see whether you’re practicing kindness or simply being nice, keep reading to learn the foundational differences between a nice person and a kind one. For an in-depth look at what kindness is and why you should choose pursue kindness and goodness, check out my FREE faith-based devotional study Cultivate (Kindness & Goodness) and start working towards being a truly good and kind person. 

Nice – conditional & insincere

To start, being nice comes with conditions. People are usually nice to get something in return – a compliment, a reward, to feel better about themselves, etc. At the root of it, being nice is rarely solely about the other person. A nice person is usually gaining something as the recipient of their niceness is gaining as well.

Being nice can involve insincerity. People can be polite in act while still thinking mean thoughts about what they’re being polite towards. A nice person can go along with what you want them to do all the while faking their agreeability. In essence, a nice person can be as sincere (or not) as they want as long as they come across as pleasing, agreeable, appropriate, and polite.

Nice – subjective & exclusive

What it means to be nice is subjective. What’s considered nice today is considered rude or unacceptable tomorrow and is very dependent on an individual’s interpretation or the changing rules of social culture. Niceness is heavily influenced by each person’s beliefs and value systems, impacted by their mood and how they’re feeling in that present moment, and effected by their personal experiences. Niceness has no set standard.

And let’s not forget that nice people don’t have to be nice to everyone. Niceness is for a select few where people are usually nice only to those they like, have some sort of relationship with, think are important, and have the same viewpoints as them. Being nice is exclusive and only the lucky ones experience others being nice to them.

Not everyone consciously decides to be conditional, insincere, subjective, and exclusive when they’re behaving nicely but it happens. Subconsciously, these four components are the foundational reasons people are nice to each other.

What is kindness

Before I get into the principles of kindness, you need to understand what it means to be kind. Kindness is not simply being a nice person. It goes beyond being a polite and pleasant person who people agree with and find appropriate. In fact, kindness has very little to do with being nice.

Being a kind person means you’re willing and ready to be of service to another person⁶. This means serving people in all things, with your words and actions. And doing so joyfully, with a gentle style and tender attitude, without resentment, and without expecting anything in return^1,2,6.

Kindness – unconditional & sincere

Unlike niceness that’s usually conditional (consciously or subconsciously), true kindness is unconditional. A person who’s kind is serviceable but not with the hopes of getting something tangible or intangible in return from an individual or society. People who are kind server others regardless of whether the recipients of their kindness will do something for them.

Kind people are authentically kind – they’re not faking it. Their kindness is linked to intrinsic goodness where they’re not just coming across as courteous, compassionate, understanding, forgiving, or tender-hearted. These characteristics are part of who they are and they endeavour to manifest these traits in everything they do, say, and think.

Kindness – objective & inclusive

Kindness is objective. The standard for kindness doesn’t change with the unstable opinions of society and isn’t influenced by one’s emotions and life situations. The standard for kindness is constant and independent of these external influences. This makes it easier to consistently be kind. It also allows people to lovingly disagree with each other and avoid condoning certain thoughts, speech, and actions at the expense of their beliefs and values.

The best and hardest part about kindness is that it’s inclusive. A truly kind person believes everyone deserves their kindness. From the person who insulted them, to the friend that comforts them, to the boss that passed them up for that promotion, and their neighbour that has opposite political views – kindness is for all. This is so contrary to human nature and makes it challenging to consistently be kind. At the same time, this is awesome because it makes it easy to decide who you should be kind to: everyone.

Ultimately, kindness takes intention and it is impossible to be truly kind in and of yourself. It’s a spiritual fruit that can be cultivated, with the right mindset and motivations.

Going further

The purpose of this post isn’t to make you think that being nice is a bad thing. Nope.

Jus like my post on joy vs. happiness, the point of this post is to show you there’s a better way.

The world would be a much better place if people didn’t do things just because they gained from doing it. Imagine a place where people were intrinsically good in their thoughts, speech, and behaviours towards each other. How awesome life would be if people were loving, gentle, and serviceable to all people all the time – not just their friends or people they get along with and not just when they felt like it. What a world!

And you can be part of making that kind of world a reality.

If you’re ready to make the switch from simply being nice to being a kinder person and a better you, use my FREE faith-based devotional study Cultivate (Kindness & Goodness) to learn how.

As always, feel free to share your thoughts and let your friends know about this post!